Funny Anecdotes Page

     Edited by Nic Samojluk

#15: Chinese Laundry

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all of the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners. He turns a corner, and sees a building with the sign, "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry."

"Saul Dumbrowski?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry?"
 
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How'd you ever get a name like Saul Dumbrowski?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many years ago, when come to this country,  was stand in line at Ellis Island Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and say, "What your name?

 He say 'Saul Dumbrowski.'

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'

"I say, "My name Sem Ting."

#14: Keeping a Secret

In hiding a birthday present for another member of the family, my sister Margie asked her little 4-year-old granddaughter, Lindsey, if she could keep a secret. Her eyes got big and she answered, "Oh yes, Grandma! I can! But sometimes the people I tell the secret to can't!"

#13: The Honest Prisoner

In his 10/02/04 sermon, Senior Pastor of the University Church of SDA Randy Roberts used the following illustration designed to emphasize the value of honesty. A certain king paid a visit to the prison of his country, and listened as one inmate after another begged to be released because they were all innocent of the crimes they were declared guilty of. Suddenly, the king noticed a quiet and dejected inmate sitting in the corner of the prison. He looked at him and asked: “Why do you look so sad?” “Because I am a criminal,” the prisoner responded. “Is that a fact?” the king asked. “That is the truth, and I am not lying.” Impressed by the inmate’s response, the king ordered him released with the following observation. “I do not want this criminal to be in the company of all these innocent men. He would be a bad influence on them.”

#12: The Big Hog

In his 9/11/04 sermon, Elder Randy Roberts, used another illustration depicting human nature. The telephone rang at the pastor’s office and his secretary picked the receiver. The voice at the other end asked to speak with the “big hog.” She was taken aback and responded, “If you want to talk to the pastor, you better use some respect.” The man responded, “Tell the ‘big hog’ that I have $10,000 dollars to donate for the church building fund. “Hold on,” the secretary said, “the pastor just walked in.”

#11: The Lady With a Gun

In his 9/11/04 sermon, Elder Randy Roberts, senior pastor of the Loma Linda University SDA Church, used the following illustration borrowed from Pastor Greg Lowry: A woman carrying her shopping bag was walking towards her car in the parking lot, when she noticed four individuals seated inside the vehicle. She dropped her shopping bag, pulled a revolver out of it, aimed at the occupants of the car and shouted, “Get out. I have a gun and I know how to use it.” All four doors of the vehicle opened and the scared occupants ran for their lives. The woman quietly got inside the vehicle, and was ready to take off, but the key wouldn’t fit. As she looked to one side, she discovered she was inside somebody else’s vehicle. She got out, took her own car and drove to the police station. The police officer couldn’t help laughing when he heard her story, and pointed to four individuals seated nearby who had come to report the alleged burglary.

#10: Response to Church Gossip

 Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house.......... and left it there all night (Contributed by Hugo Schmidt. Author unknown.)

#9: The Atheist’s Prayer

In his June 19 sermon, Elder Randy Roberts used the following anecdote to illustrate the fact that some of us use prayer as a last resort, or a 911 emergency call for help. A man who did not believe in God was exploring nature when all of a sudden he sensed that he was being followed. On turning around, he panicked at the sight of a hungry bear. He quickly folded his hands and issued the following call for help: “Lord, if you exist, please make this bear a Christian.” The bear folded his paws and offered the following prayer: “Thank you Lord for this meal you graciously provided for me.”

#8: The Prayer Ritual

In his sermon today (06/19/04) Elder Randy Roberts, the Loma Linda University Senior Pastor, related the following anecdote to illustrate ritual prayer. A hospital chaplain stopped at a hospital room and found the patient lying prostrate in her bed. He quietly placed his hand on the patient’s forehead and offered his routine prayer: “Dear Lord, place your healing hand on this dear sister, and make her well.” The patient opened her eyes, sat up in her bed, put her feet on the floor and got up. “I have been healed,” she exclaimed with joy, “I am going home.” The startled chaplain left the hospital room in a hurry, got into his car, and bowing his head, prayed: “Lord, don’t ever do this to me again.”

#7: A Clever Legal Defense

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out. (Contributed by Clarita Drachenberg. Author Unknown.)

#6: God’s Telephone Number

In his sermon delivered on March 6/04, Elder Randy Roberts related the following anecdote: In one of the Hollywood films, there was a scene where an actor got a call from God, and god’s telephone number was displayed on the actor’s cell phone. By coincidence the number displayed on the actor’s cell phone was a live one which belonged to a professional, and she started receiving a large number of calls on a daily basis from people who had seen the film. This was rather annoying, but one day the woman picked the receiver and answered: “This is God. May I help you.” The surprised caller responded, “I can’t believe this. I am talking to God, and she is a woman.”

#5: Expensive karate Lessons

The following is another anecdote Randy Roberts, Senior Pastor of the Loma Linda University, included in his sermon this morning: A young boy was tired of having to give his lunch money to this big bully kid in his school every day, so he determined to put a stop to the shameful behavior of this Mafioso. He signed up for karate lessons with a private instructor. After a short trial, he gave up on his project. When asked for an explanation by a friend, he responded: “I prefer to give my lunch money to this bully than to the karate teacher.”

#4: A Barking Policeman

Randy Roberts, Senior Pastor of the Loma Linda University Church, related the following anecdote in his sermon today: A policeman was trying to apprehend three teenagers who had burglarized a school, but could not run as fast as the young fellows. “Stop, or I’ll arrest you,” he yelled, but the youngsters kept running. “Stop, or I’ll let my dog loose,” he yelled again. The young criminals paid not heed to his threats. Then the Policeman barked, and this scared the daylights out of them. They stopped, and the policeman arrested all three.

#3: Gathered From Church Bulletins

A friend of mine sent the following collection of items misspelled by church bulletin editors:

1.      “The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on Water.’ The sermon tonight:    ‘Searching for Jesus.’”

2.      “At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, ‘What is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.”

3.      “Our youth basketball team is back in action. Wednesday at 8:00 PM in the recreation hall. Come and watch us kill Christ the King.”

4.      “For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have  a nursery downstairs.”

5.      “Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.”

6.      “Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.”

7.      “Don’t let worry kill you. Let church help. “

8.      “Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.”

9.      “This evening at 7:00 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.”

10.  “Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

11.  “The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.”

12.  “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

13.  “The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 PM. Please, use the back door.”

14.  “Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.”

15.  “Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.”

16. “Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.”

#2: Which Service?

I received the following anecdote from and old friend of mine:

“One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning, Alex.’ ‘Good morning,’ replied the young boy, still focused on the plaque. ‘What is this?’ Alex asked. ‘Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.’ Soberly, they stood together, staring at the plaque. Suddenly, with a trembling and barely audible voice, the boy asked, ‘Which service—the 9:45 … or the 11:15?

#1: Sweet Revenge

In his sermon, Pastor Scott Smith, related the following anecdote at the University Church of Loma Linda to illustrate the human strong desire for revenge.  A rich tycoon wanted to find the best suitor for his beautiful daughter. He invited a large group of eligible bachelors to a party around his shark and crocodile infested swimming pool, and made the following announcement: “Whoever manages to swim across this swimming pool will have the option of receiving from me as a reward either one million dollars, the title to my most profitable oil well, or the right to marry my daughter and thus inherit all my riches.”

They heard a splash, and watched as one of the contestants desperately swam across the swimming pool as if he were an Olympic champion. As soon as he got out of the water, the host asked the young man: “Do you want the million dollars?” “No,” was the man’s reply. “Do you want the title to my profitable oil well?” asked the rich man. “No,” was his answer again. “Do you want to marry my daughter?” asked the Tycoon. “No,” the young man answered. “What do you want, then?” Asked the father of the beautiful girl. “I want to know who pushed me into the swimming pool!” was the final answer of the young man. Revenge was uppermost in his mind.

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